I Lost My Foot

So I was driving the fam back from looking at Christmas lights and Z asks Wade if he can play wit his phone. So Z pulls up the light saber app and starts messing. But then Wade needs it back so he gets the phone and is getting ready to turn the light saber off but before he does, he "chops" off a few of my limbs. So then Z says that some people really don't have feet and that they lost them. I said if I lost my foot I would look all over the house for it. Wade says if he lost his foot, he would look under his pillow. At that, Z just cracked up so hard. He started saying - under the pillow, get it, that is so funny, cuz the tooth fairy finds teeth under the pillow. And then he just laughed some more.

Gold

Another funny Z moment... so we're driving in the car and Z just starts in on this big long explanation about how he learned something so cool. So if you go and find gold, you can send it to this one place and they take your gold and do some things to it and turn it into dollars. It's so cool. So now he really wants to find some gold and then he can have dollars.

Obviously, CashforGold's commercials are hitting home with someone.

Funny Zach

So I was talking to Zach yesterday and explaining how some people don't believe in Christmas... he was starting to get a little concerned about all these people out there not getting presents so I explained how people that are Jewish still get 8 nights of gifts. He thought about it for a while and then said... well it's cheaper to do Christmas. I asked why - and he said -

...cuz when you believe in Christmas, everything is free cuz Santa just gives it all to you...

'Sup?

So it's been a while since I've posted and things have been very busy. I left my job at ASU and started with a new company. It's the first time I've not worked for a University so it's different but so far it has been pretty fun. Every morning I get a $20 credit towards drinks in the vending machine. I find it very tempting to see if I can fit $20 worth of drinks in my purse and just take them home. Do you think they would notice?

Anyway, the best thing about the new job is that I now pick up Z after school... sorry Tia Rhea for the pink slip :(.... This week has been busy crazy and my house is messier than it was when I was working full time - how is that possible... isn't it supposed to be sparkling clean now? I was a bit afraid that by going part time, I would lose my identity. I'm not sure what I even mean by that... just that I don't want to get so wrapped up in my family that my own life has no meaning beyond them... not that family isn't like the best thing ever... just that I know I need other things in my life, too.

So I feel very blessed at this point in my life. I can't say things are perfect. But I feel very blessed.

I was thinking today about families though. How marriages just end sometimes and what happens in their wake. How traditions change and routines change - out of necessity. It seems so unfair that a kid would have to face two households, splitting time and love and everything else between two homes. And I can think of a bunch of situations that are worse than divorce - having a parent die, suffering from abuse from a parent... etc. But it just seems so hard.

I was listening to an astrologer on the radio this morning and she was talking to a guy who wanted to know if things would get better with his wife. So as he told his story, it turned out that he had been married to her for 30 years and his wife had been divorced from her ex for about 35 years or something. But she had a daughter from her first marriage who was around 11 when they got divorced and at her age (mid 40's) was still causing havoc and blaming her mother for ruining her life because of the divorce.

I think about my own situation with my mom having passed away and how sometimes I feel like I need to talk to her and clarify things in the past and intentions and meanings of actions but I don't get to. So I wonder if I will be like that... in my mid-40's and making other people's lives more difficult because my inability to let go the unresolved-ness of my relationship with my mom.

Then I worry about my kid - will he have the same? He was 18 months when his parents split and he doesn't remember us even living in the same place ever. But I know he loves both of us. Will he come to resent us for not sticking it out? And what about kids who experience that loss at a more influential age, like my step-daughter... where she already has so many memories of how Christmas should be... of a family....

Divorce is a death except it's worse. What dies is your expectations for a future but what lives on is the people that could have made those expectations a reality. I look at my son and my step-daughters and I feel incapable of healing their losses but at the same time, want so much for there to be relief.

So I guess the real meat of it is... what do you teach kids so that they will be resilient... so that regardless of what tragedy befalls them, they have the ability to avoid blaming others, to continue to love and trust, to determine their own lives? I hope loving the snot out of them... at least helps!

Chocolate and Cheese

... two of my favorite foods... but alas... it's time for change.

They say it takes 3 weeks to break a habit so for the next three weeks... I'm giving up

Cross your fingers that I won't just keel over and die from lack of indulgence!

Bowling

Yup. Went with my boy cuz I'm cool like that. And ya, totally broke 100. That's how I roll.

What's in a Name...?

Well, I finally did it. Wednesday, after taking advantage an extra hour of sleep, I got ready and headed out to Downtown Phoenix to the Social Security Card Office and to change my name!

To give you some background, this is actually my 4^th name.

(Ok I haven't been married that many times but thought this was funny cuz I've had LOTS of names!)

I was born Heather Whatcott. No middle name. I went through the first 19 years and 3 weeks of my life with that name. Then I got married for the first time. Sticking with tradition, I took my maiden name as my middle name and became Heather Whatcott Raehl. I think I understand why my parents prompted us to take our maiden names as our middle names and infuse us with familial pride… but it really doesn’t flow.

After I got divorced, I kept that name for about a year because I figured that it would make things easier with my son. But after a while, I realized it really didn’t matter and I wasn’t very fond of having to claiming that name as an element of my identity outside of my son.

I spent a lot of time deliberating my new name. I’m totally fine with my first name and don’t have any desire to be called by anything else outside of nicknames and such anyway. That is the name my parents gave me.

(Heather flower... actually kinda ugly in person.)

I was excited at the idea of a middle name though. I remember in high school collecting middle names. It was a silly but fun little game for me. But the one that has always stuck with me is Brooke. I’ve always liked the way Heather Brooke flows. So once I decided to change my name, I figured I might as well pick up a middle name and make it one I like.

As for my last name, I knew that I didn’t want to go back to my maiden name. It’s hard to pronounce (apparently) and prompts a lot of “…what?”

I thought about going through the phone book and looking at random names but there are like billions of names in the phone books (but can you even like find one of those anymore?)

So I decided to keep it in the family. I looked at all of my grandparents’ last names. We had Cluff, Webb, Arnett and Whatcott (which I had already eliminated.) Growing up, I was always a lot closer to my mom’s family, due in a large part to proximity. After my divorce, I got the opportunity to learn about and then grow close to and really become a part of my dad’s side of the family. So I was drawn to my grandma’s maiden name, Arnett. Plus it had a nice ring to it. So I went down to the court house and made it official: Heather Brooke Arnett

It’s funny because after I changed my name, especially after I moved to the Phoenix Valley, I had a lot of people ask me if I was related to one person or another. As I’ve continued to learn more about my family, I’ve discovered that I am actually related to most of the people I get asked about. I’ve grown very fond of my name and the other people around me that I have shared it with. It’s a good name and even though I was getting married, I wasn’t sure about what to do with my name. I liked the idea of being independent and different. It didn’t seem like it would present any more of a hassle than I already had to have with my son having a different last name so what was the big deal. But then again, I knew Wade wanted me to take his name and told me that he would be honored if I did, although he applied no pressure and was willing to support me either way.

I thought that after we got married and had that marriage certificate in front of us to sign that I would have to decide right then what my name would be. I remember having to sign it as what it would be when I got married the first time. So I worried and deliberated over it for a long time before the actual wedding but still hadn’t made up my mind the day of the wedding and figured it would just come to me when I was faced with that document. But the certificate said to just sign your name as it was when you applied for the marriage certificate. So I did. Then I figured I would have 30 days after the marriage to go to the Social Security office and make the change. Surely they encourage time limits on those things… but they don’t. So my need to make an immediate decision was totally gone and I just figured I could keep floating it out to some future milestone while I continued to debate it.

To support my “indecision that was in a way just a decision to not change my name…” I found out that a woman and my church had kept her maiden name and used it professionally but used her husband’s name socially. I thought about doing that and asking her about the legal and tax implications and what I needed to be aware of (never actually pinned her down.) I thought of a million reasons to not decide – including not wanting to go through the hassle of changing my name everywhere… AGAIN… even down to the fear that taking his name would mean that I was allowing my identity and independence to be swallowed up by something else, even if it is a cute man... ya I'm a feminist.

So then one night we had a bit of a communication conundrum. He was out at his job here and then planned on heading to Tucson that night right from work to get some more moving stuff done instead of staying here in town with me. His phone died while he was out at work so I went for about 6 or 7 hours without hearing from him… kinda freaking me out because usually he’s pretty good at getting back to me. (I even totally over reacted and sent a text addressed to… “whatever kind nurse is now taking care of my obviously now incapacitated husband…”) But see, here’s the thing, within the first month or two of my marriage with my ex, he just didn’t come home one night. I probably slept max of one hour that night and I played so many scenarios over in my head about where he was. Still don’t quite know what happened that night. But when he did finally come home the next day, he was upset at me that I was upset at him. I guess with Wade, even though I know very much that he’s a different person, I still expect some of the same things.

That night his phone died, I got so pissed. I was just so mad. So when he finally got to Tucson and to an outlet, he tried to get a hold of me. I was still mad and worked up enough that I didn’t want to talk but I was glad to know that he was alive and ok. And he just let me be mad. He didn’t take it out on me for being mad… didn’t have to turn it around to make himself the victim… he just accepted it and was there when I was ready to stop being such a baby.

It’s not like I was waiting to change my name to really make sure this was going to work or last… or at least not intentionally. And it’s not like I finally did it as some kind of reward or something either. It’s two fold really. It’s a gift to Wade because I knew he wanted me to take my name and that it would honor him. But it’s also a brick out of my wall that I’ve built up around me to protect myself that I’m working to pull down to heal… it’s a peace offering – maybe not even to him but more to myself – a symbol of the idea that I’m strong enough to trust someone else with everything… even my name… and trusting that loving someone else doesn’t have to mean losing myself.

41 days after getting married, it’s official… I am now Heather Brooke McRae. I think I deserve a hand.

The One You've Been Waiting For...

Z the man looking studly for his big gig!



Showing off the rings

He walked me down the aisle...

To the waiting handsome groom and his beautiful daughters...

We got married...


Made it official... (with an eye witness...)
Our new little family and our parents...
Us...
Tia Rhea giving some love...
Gramma Wamma...
My sibs that were able to come... and yes, I have bunny ears - don't they just make my eyes pop?


Kids self-entertained...

Until Z couldn't handle it any more and he crashed!

Our cake...
It was a great party. Thanks to all who came and to all who helped out!

Fantabulous

Ok, I hate to admit it but I think I’ve let the stress hit me. I think I need to stop listening to the news and let the world take care of itself for a while – not that I was really taking care of the world… just getting too involved in hearing about everything (usually negative) going on everywhere. I need to stop trying to figure out what my future is going to look like in every detail.

So instead of listing out for you all the things that are freaking me out with the intent of eliciting your pity or deep admiration for my way amazing not-gone-crazy-yet skills (cuz let’s face it… why else would I list it all out…?) I’m just going to tell you some of the many reasons my life is FANTABULOUS!

-I have the sweetest, cutest, smartest, greatest son in the whole wide world… it’s true – I’ve done research (sorry to everyone else there with sons… I understand if it’s hard for you to take…)

-I have a pretty swell fiancé who in 35 days (5 weeks) will be my husband and that I will be seeing tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday

-I have a baggie full of cereal to munch on all morning for breakfast
-I have milk in the fridge at work in case I don’t want to just munch on my bag of cereal but actually want a traditional, normal bowl of cereal – and a banana to slice into to make myself really cool!
-I have at least some cute clothes (aka – I don’t hate everything in my closet)
-My muscles are sore, which surely means they’re getting stronger
-My arms have gotten really super tan (tho I have to admit… it makes my legs/tummy look horribly pasty white)
-The jasmine in my backyard is blooming
-I get to take a mini-road trip this weekend with my son to take down to see his dad (who hopefully will be out of the hospital by then… it would be so much easier on my son to take if that were the case – cross your fingers!)
-I have new, cute, white shoes for my wedding -I have pro-fab family and friends who have offered to help out way more than ever anticipated with this, my second go at getting married
-I’m probably in the best shape physically than I’ve ever been in my life
-I can say the above while still having shared a slice of Ikea’s fabulous death-by-chocolate cake last night with above mentioned most awesomest-ever son

So even if I end up with some form of cancer or heart disease or any of those other things I’d like very much to prevent… it’s still pretty swell to be here now. And hey, we always have the eternities to not get sick, right?!

Strange

So I'm in a bit of shock tonight. I got an email from my son's step-mother saying that his dad just had a heart attack. All I know is that it was mild, they thought he was supposed to be out of the hospital by tomorrow but it now looks like he'll be in until at least Friday, and he's not allowed to have his cell phone.

There have been many times when I have been frustrated with him... but never to the point that I would wish for this.

I just don't understand how a 32 year old has a heart attack - even if it's mild. He's not obese - maybe a bit overweight. But I just read a study today that says that being overweight does not increase your risk of heart related disease or cancer - it's not until you become obese that your risk increases. So does that mean his heart was already bad? His parents are still alive and as far as I know have never had heart problems. Is it a fluke? Is my son at risk?

It's funny how I spend time trying to fight pancreatic cancer. I was getting really involved with that when my close friend got diagnosed with a rare form of melanoma. How do you know what to fight against? How do you know if you're putting your efforts in the right place?

I guess the only thing I have to fall back on right now is my exercise and eating. If I keep biking and running and working out and if I try real hard (I could do so much better) to eat well and teach my son to eat healthy and teach him to exercise and take care of his body... well, that's all I've got and even that is no guarantee.

It's just weird.

Impact

This was just an interesting website: http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php?id=11

It's of birds who eat trash and then end up starving to death or die of toxicity. Just take a peek. It'll make you think twice.

Goal for Today...

Avoid the Goodie Day table at all costs...!!

Why the heck do we do goodie day anyway? Let's just call it "Eating Healthy Sabotage Day" instead. Sheesh!

Ang's Edit

It's amazing what a little photo editing can do... my lil' sis took one of the photos from the ones I posted below....


and edited it...

Cool, huh?

I'll have to send her a few more...!!

Taxes

K so I’m an accountant so you’d think I’d’ve done my taxes months ago (last year, I did them in January.) I've even helped other people do theirs already. But not this year - not for me. Every four years, Z’s dad gets to claim him on his taxes. 2009 was the first time he’s been able to do that. Now, I did go in last year and adjustment my withholdings. But I was still really nervous about how it would all turn out.

When I started it out and uploaded my W-2’s, it said I owed… well… a buttload. I was horrified. But I worked through my adjustments and deductions… and well, just giving myself a pat on the back cuz I totally did it right! I am getting a modest refund – which is good cuz if you get to much, it’s a sign that you’re withholding too much… and basically loaning your money to the government interest free.

I think this is the longest I’ve ever waited to do my taxes but I’m just glad they’re done now and that I did them right. Next year will be a whole new adventure… going from being able to claim Z again, me, and now a husband and two step-daughters… can’t wait!




P.S. I know this is not the most interesting topic... but then again... I'm an accountant. At least I didn't post something about, you know, governmental accounting standards...!

Cuuuuute!!

When Z Is Gone... I Must Entertain Myself!!!!!

So Zach is off with his dad again this weekend and I'm bored. So my awesome big brother brought me down some some metal sheets so I'm experimenting with them. I have this wall in my kitchen where I tape up stuff that's coming up either around town that I want to go to or for Z's school. This is what it looks like:


So I made a metal square to put there to hang things up by magnet instead of tape. I want to make a wooden frame for it but... hey - this is just experimenting. So for the immediate moment, it's cool enough! And at the very least looks better than how it did look!


So now what project do I take on?

I'm a Wuss

Day 1 of Z's Spring Break... aka... the beginning of one week away from me... and Z with his dad. I worked a 10 hour day. I went and had my bike tire changed (it had a slow leak.) I returned some stuff at the library. And then I got some groceries cuz let's face it... I have no food.

(a better picture of Sorbet because my first picture didn't cut it... but I had to leave the first picture on cuz if you're like me and you read the comments about how it looked like a weird organ, I'd wanna see... so the above picture is for my peace of mind... the below is to satisify your curiousity... in case it you wanted it satisfied.)
I wanted to drown my sorrows but for some reason, the Strawberry Sorbet I got doesn't taste anything like the Chocolate Goo Goo Clusters I was expecting. Stupid vegan experiment. (BTW - I am totally not vegan. Once this last week is over... I am eating cheese... and yes, Dad, I know it gets stuck in my colon.)

The only thing left to do tonight is run. Day 7 of my new running program. Crank the music. Get in a rhythm. And work of some extra calories so once this vegan experiment is over... I can OD on my Goo Goo Clusters!

P.S. Thanks everyone for the great package ideas. I sent the package off Saturday... just hope it doesn't get "withheld" or confiscated or anything dumb.

P.P.S. Why am I suddenly hit with such a longing to talk to my momma?