Ok I know that’s worded a little unpleasantly… and that’s not really how I mean it… it’s not intended to be a man-hater kind of statement but an actual honest look at the idea. When I got married initially, when it comes down to it, it was because I was asked. I was young and naïve and didn’t necessarily put extensive thought into it. I really fell into it. I didn’t sit and decide based on compatibility or how I felt when I was with him or based on his personality… honestly, I just didn’t know that I had the option of saying “no thanks.“
I’ve been divorced now for three years. I’ve had a few, um, exclusive-ish type relationships. I think I’ve learned and grown from where I started… but I’m curious as to why people get into (or got into) committed long-term relationships. So please, if you’re reading this, I would appreciate your honest insight…
Had I been asked that question when I was a teenager (which is when I got married the first go-round), I would have expressed the need for someone to have around to have babies with and who would then support me as I raised them. I’m not sure I really saw much beyond that.
But this is where I am in my life: I have a baby (well, he’s five but he’ll ALWAYS be my baby!!!) I am not sure I want more children. I worry about having a baby in another relationship that won’t last and having to trade off kids with two ex’s…. (Plus, I already have 19 nieces and nephews… Plus... I'm only like 20 years from retirement... and 13 years before my son graduates HS and I could go do whatever...!) Contrary to what I believed when I was 19, I don’t need a husband to support my son. I wish I could be the one to pick him up from school and not have to rely on extra help to do that but still, I’m doing pretty dang good and am actually taking steps to make even that a reality at some point in the (hopefully near-ish) future.
I have a home. I have a car. I have a career. I have extra income with which I can explore some of my extra-curricular interests. I have family and friends and companionship. I have a social life and go out when I choose. I am involved in the community and have a cause for which I fight and am involved.
I don’t have someone telling me when to clean or take out the trash or give a negative running commentary on my abilities, looks, personality…. I don’t have to be impressive and perform up to par or continually prove my worth. I’m not worried about being a disappointment or failing. I’m certainly not perfect and I for sure have down, self-deprecating days. But I realize that I have to pull myself out of those and I wouldn’t want to get married for the sake of having a reset button pusher around… cuz I don’t believe my reset button works unless I’m the one pushing it…. Tho it can be facilitated by words and actions from others, I’ll admit. Not my point... I digress...
I think sometimes because of the way I was raised, to some degree, I equate marriage with sex… because you ought to wait until you’re married to do the deed. But marriage isn’t sex… or at least that’s not what I would want it to be, in whole, anyway. I couldn’t maintain the fabulous sex for long enough to make a lasting marriage. That I’m sure. So obviously it has to be more than that…. (tho I want it to be part of it too.)
So, what is it that marriage adds that isn’t already there? If you had to go back and do it again, are there things you would’ve done differently? Are there things you wished you would have paid more attention to? What do you get out of it? What does it add to your life that you would not have had if you stayed single? And what things about being single do you miss and wish you could re-capture?
