A lot of people tell me I'm lucky that my son's father is so involved in his life. I wish I could explain to those people that even though on the surface it seems like a positive thing, it is actually quite frightening to me. To understand that statement you would have to understand some of what we have gone through. Yesterday would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and while I am grateful for my current status of not married to my son's father, I still at times look back at the major moments and wish things could have turned out differently.
I picked up my son Sunday night after a weekend with his dad and after he went to sleep that night, I crept into his room and simply stared at his tiny frame, knowing that he should have had better than what he has. I wonder many times about what his fate would have been if I had married someone else or if I had stayed with his dad. It seems like a kid should be entitled to a family life with two parents that love each other and the kid(s) where there is stability and peace. It's hard not to feel like I have cheated my boy out of that basic entitlement.
I wonder what he will be like when he is older. I wonder if he will ever ask for my side of the story, the story that marked his beginnings. I wonder if he will not understand how much I love him until he has a child of his own. I wonder if he will get divorced or just grow up fearing commitment. I wonder what difficulties he will have to face.
I just hope he knows, always, that I love him.
13 years ago
4 comments:
Hey Woman, I think about that with my own boys believe it or not! While I know that our circumstances are very different, I think what a rotten, impatient Mother I AM and think I jipped my boys....like I don't add up to what I always said I would be! You however are an EXCELLENT Mommy with such beautiful~smart head on your shoulders that no matter what he goes through in his maturing years (I don't think any of us no what path they will take whether one or two parent families)I am pretty darn certain that he will see he DID get the best with YOU!!! Love ya!
You know Jolyn is SO right!! While you have a much different path, we all still wonder and hope for these things for our kids. And she is also SO right about having an excellent mom who he will see is fair. Z will much appreciate it more, as he gets older, that you don't bash N. I think he'll see that and appreciate!
I think you don't need to worry about it! Your son will understand and with you as a mamma he'll be great! I agree with Jolyn and April we all have those worries!
Just know that you are doing what is best for you and your son, it might not always be the easy path but it was the right one for you. He is growing up in a home with love and that is what he needs, don't ever underestimate yourself.
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