Details...

About two and a half years ago, I was still living in Tucson and one of my very closest friends at the time was Arlene. She is a sweet, loving, caring, giving person. She was diagnosed with cancer in the last half of 2007. As you probably know if you know me, my mom died in January 2005. When my mom was sick, I didn’t get nearly enough time with her. When Arlene was diagnosed, I knew I didn’t want to have the same regrets that I had with my mom so Z and I spent considerable amounts of time with her. As her condition worsened and she went in and out the hospital for surgeries and over to stay with some of her family and finally into hospice… I just spent as much time with her as I could.

In that time, I met her parents, all of her siblings and many of her nieces and nephews. Some I saw a lot more than others; one of her brothers in particular was there quite a bit, too. She passed away in April 15, 2008 (which I have to say is a bit ironic cuz she was an Accountant… and she passed away on tax day… I think she planned it…)

(Arlene and Wade - Wade shaved his head after Arlene went through chemo)

I went to the funeral and of course went on with life. I ended up moving out of Tucson. I still thought/think about Arlene and miss her. A couple of weeks after the first anniversary of her death, her brother, Wade, noticed me through a mutual friend on FaceBook and thought it would be fun to say hi. He was the brother that was hanging around Arlene’s bedside about the same times and frequency as me. That was last April and we’ve been pen-pals since then. In September, he came up here and we had dinner to catch up and chat and reminisce. Then we met up a couple weeks later and then again… and since Halloween of last year, we’ve hung out every weekend except one when I was in Utah and he was in AZ.

We’ve both been divorced and we have some strong similarities in the experiences we’ve had with our ex’s. He has two very cute and sweet daughters. He works in education, kicks butt on the basketball court, is handsome and intelligent, enjoys reading and the outdoors, has a dog, takes great pictures, is a people person, and a lot of other really great things. We’re both the fourth kid from larger families, both exhibit middle child characteristics, both grew up in small towns, both love our kids, our families….

(Wade and his two daughters at a family reunion)

We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what it will take for us to beat the odds. Statistically speaking, 50% of first marriages end in divorce and 70% of second marriages end in divorce. We’ve both been there and done that and are invested in avoiding it. We both experienced some extremes with our ex’s… and are hopeful that we’ve found something a little more stable and real-world…. (not having to deal with suicidal ideation and weighing whether or not NOW is the time to have him committed…!) But also realize we will have other problems that we’ll face. We have a bit of an age gap between us which may be interesting down the road as he reaches some milestones before me but having watched my mom die at a young age, it ups the value of having found what feels like home now.

(Our trip to SLC in November... you can tell it's Nov cuz I have blue streaks in my hair... today I have red...)

Speaking only for myself, it’s been a long and sometimes difficult journey to open myself up to trust and to work through some of the residual fears and concerns from my last marriage. I feel lucky because we started out as friends. I don’t know that I could have made this leap with someone I didn’t know for that long and I’ve gotten to see Wade at bad times (with the passing of his sister) and through a lot of good and fun times.

So we are looking real soon at having a small, simple little wedding. We want to have a small house party afterwards here and one in Tucson to just invite some friends and family over to celebrate with us. So I’ll keep you posted about that – we probably won’t do formal invitations… just kinda spread the word… but anyone who wants to come is welcome….

Did I miss anything?

Just Saying...

Picture Update

(aka.... catching up on stuff since November - can you tell I've gotten busy lately??)

This is Z at the Fall Festival for his school - it was right after Halloween so he was still into pirates and skulls... so that is a skull on his face (no, it's not a ghost!)

Z's school did a Turkey Day program and much to my surprise, I show up and the cute little bugger has the lead as the Pastor! So dang cute!! (You wanna know what's funny/sad/mean of me...? That butt with the grey sweater/red undershirt poking out on the right side of the pic... is Z's step-mom...)

We had friends over to make ginger bread houses before Christmas. They ended up all being very flimsy... but it was still a blast. You can't see it in this picture but Z said he made the garage to go to my house instead of a house... cuz he couldn't get the roof to stay up!

Z loves Santa!!! Tho he's figured out that he isn't meeting the real Santa. This is just Santa's helper who goes back to the real Santa and tells him what all the good kids want. But, in Z's humble opinion, this one looked pretty real. I think it had something to do with him wearing glasses (Santa... not Z...)

I upgraded my phone in November and got the new Droid. My baby bro Ty wanted to mess around with it and decided to put in a picture for his contact so whenever he rings me up... this is what pops up... too precious not to share!!!

While in Utah over the winter break, we had all of us siblings - except Greggy (who's on a mission in Texas)... meaning we had all the grandkids - up to 20 now! So of course... we had to take pictures!! Aren't they cuuuuuute!!

When we went up to Utah, we flew. I hate that 14 hour drive and Z loves flying!! On both the way there and the way back he was peeking into the cockpit and he got invited to step in. On the way home, the pilot even told him to sit in his seat so I got this cool picture!! What a stud-muffin!!!

Z just got his hair cut!! Seriously... stud-muffin!!! Thanks Ash!! You're the best!!

We went to a ranch this past long weekend and Z got some quality time in with the horses. They were just following him around and loving on him!! So cool!

Well then he wanted to know if he could ride one so we threw him up there (bare back and all) and took him around! I love this picture of him!! He seems so grown up and so small at the same time. Look at his short little legs!

He loved it! What an adventure!!

Random Thoughts (Some That I Borrowed, One That I Made Up)

On Flying:

"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt … if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard" (Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.)



On Relationships:

“I figure the best chance for a good night's sleep comes by ending the day as comfortably as you can. With nothing on your chest, no stress you're keeping secret. I figure you'd better be lying down next to a person you can tell your weirdest dreams, your darkest thoughts, your fruitiest feelings, your very worst fears. For me, that's Emily. And that's what keeps me hooked. That, and she lets me touch her boobs.” --Dave Bry, 37, in love for nine years

It’s always nice to thank someone even if you’ve had to pull teeth to get what it is you were after. Reward and positively reinforce positive behavior. Ignore negative behavior (Me.)

On Living Life:

“You can't get what you want in life until you know what it is you want. And, you'll have a hard time knowing what you want, if you are not clear about what your values are. You see, if I were to ask you what you really want, what I'm actually asking is, ‘What do you value?’” (some email I regularly get.)

What’s the point of relationships?

Ok I know that’s worded a little unpleasantly… and that’s not really how I mean it… it’s not intended to be a man-hater kind of statement but an actual honest look at the idea. When I got married initially, when it comes down to it, it was because I was asked. I was young and naïve and didn’t necessarily put extensive thought into it. I really fell into it. I didn’t sit and decide based on compatibility or how I felt when I was with him or based on his personality… honestly, I just didn’t know that I had the option of saying “no thanks.“

I’ve been divorced now for three years. I’ve had a few, um, exclusive-ish type relationships. I think I’ve learned and grown from where I started… but I’m curious as to why people get into (or got into) committed long-term relationships. So please, if you’re reading this, I would appreciate your honest insight…

Had I been asked that question when I was a teenager (which is when I got married the first go-round), I would have expressed the need for someone to have around to have babies with and who would then support me as I raised them. I’m not sure I really saw much beyond that.

But this is where I am in my life: I have a baby (well, he’s five but he’ll ALWAYS be my baby!!!) I am not sure I want more children. I worry about having a baby in another relationship that won’t last and having to trade off kids with two ex’s…. (Plus, I already have 19 nieces and nephews… Plus... I'm only like 20 years from retirement... and 13 years before my son graduates HS and I could go do whatever...!) Contrary to what I believed when I was 19, I don’t need a husband to support my son. I wish I could be the one to pick him up from school and not have to rely on extra help to do that but still, I’m doing pretty dang good and am actually taking steps to make even that a reality at some point in the (hopefully near-ish) future.

I have a home. I have a car. I have a career. I have extra income with which I can explore some of my extra-curricular interests. I have family and friends and companionship. I have a social life and go out when I choose. I am involved in the community and have a cause for which I fight and am involved.

I don’t have someone telling me when to clean or take out the trash or give a negative running commentary on my abilities, looks, personality…. I don’t have to be impressive and perform up to par or continually prove my worth. I’m not worried about being a disappointment or failing. I’m certainly not perfect and I for sure have down, self-deprecating days. But I realize that I have to pull myself out of those and I wouldn’t want to get married for the sake of having a reset button pusher around… cuz I don’t believe my reset button works unless I’m the one pushing it…. Tho it can be facilitated by words and actions from others, I’ll admit. Not my point... I digress...

I think sometimes because of the way I was raised, to some degree, I equate marriage with sex… because you ought to wait until you’re married to do the deed. But marriage isn’t sex… or at least that’s not what I would want it to be, in whole, anyway. I couldn’t maintain the fabulous sex for long enough to make a lasting marriage. That I’m sure. So obviously it has to be more than that…. (tho I want it to be part of it too.)

So, what is it that marriage adds that isn’t already there? If you had to go back and do it again, are there things you would’ve done differently? Are there things you wished you would have paid more attention to? What do you get out of it? What does it add to your life that you would not have had if you stayed single? And what things about being single do you miss and wish you could re-capture?

Catch Up...!

I had to download all the pics off my phone and I realized I need to throw a few up here...

My son was a Ninja for Halloween and he took it seriously:

I just love his stance.

This is at Focal Point Salon in Scottsdale. From the left - Carol, Lauren, Tiffany. Carol is the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network Co-Affiliate Coordinator with me. She is really awesome. Her husband passed away from PC last year and she's just dynamic about making a difference. Lauren owns the salon. Her dad passed away last year and she's been really proactive about fighting the fight too. Tiffany is the receptionist at the salon.

This is my sweet, sweet cuz/friend who came all the way out to support us in the cuts of the cause. It was funny cuz she pulled her hair down and I had no idea it had gotten so long! She looks great!!

This is me manning the info booth at the Cuts for the Cause... got questions about PC... lemme know... I'll inundate you with info!

Happy November!!!

Need Ideas

It's time to start thinking about Christmas. I work with the children in my church and we're trying to come up with something we can give all the kids. It needs to be inexpensive and easy. Do you have any ideas?