Ok I know that’s worded a little unpleasantly… and that’s not really how I mean it… it’s not intended to be a man-hater kind of statement but an actual honest look at the idea. When I got married initially, when it comes down to it, it was because I was asked. I was young and naïve and didn’t necessarily put extensive thought into it. I really fell into it. I didn’t sit and decide based on compatibility or how I felt when I was with him or based on his personality… honestly, I just didn’t know that I had the option of saying “no thanks.“
I’ve been divorced now for three years. I’ve had a few, um, exclusive-ish type relationships. I think I’ve learned and grown from where I started… but I’m curious as to why people get into (or got into) committed long-term relationships. So please, if you’re reading this, I would appreciate your honest insight…
Had I been asked that question when I was a teenager (which is when I got married the first go-round), I would have expressed the need for someone to have around to have babies with and who would then support me as I raised them. I’m not sure I really saw much beyond that.
But this is where I am in my life: I have a baby (well, he’s five but he’ll ALWAYS be my baby!!!) I am not sure I want more children. I worry about having a baby in another relationship that won’t last and having to trade off kids with two ex’s…. (Plus, I already have 19 nieces and nephews… Plus... I'm only like 20 years from retirement... and 13 years before my son graduates HS and I could go do whatever...!) Contrary to what I believed when I was 19, I don’t need a husband to support my son. I wish I could be the one to pick him up from school and not have to rely on extra help to do that but still, I’m doing pretty dang good and am actually taking steps to make even that a reality at some point in the (hopefully near-ish) future.
I have a home. I have a car. I have a career. I have extra income with which I can explore some of my extra-curricular interests. I have family and friends and companionship. I have a social life and go out when I choose. I am involved in the community and have a cause for which I fight and am involved.
I don’t have someone telling me when to clean or take out the trash or give a negative running commentary on my abilities, looks, personality…. I don’t have to be impressive and perform up to par or continually prove my worth. I’m not worried about being a disappointment or failing. I’m certainly not perfect and I for sure have down, self-deprecating days. But I realize that I have to pull myself out of those and I wouldn’t want to get married for the sake of having a reset button pusher around… cuz I don’t believe my reset button works unless I’m the one pushing it…. Tho it can be facilitated by words and actions from others, I’ll admit. Not my point... I digress...
I think sometimes because of the way I was raised, to some degree, I equate marriage with sex… because you ought to wait until you’re married to do the deed. But marriage isn’t sex… or at least that’s not what I would want it to be, in whole, anyway. I couldn’t maintain the fabulous sex for long enough to make a lasting marriage. That I’m sure. So obviously it has to be more than that…. (tho I want it to be part of it too.)
So, what is it that marriage adds that isn’t already there? If you had to go back and do it again, are there things you would’ve done differently? Are there things you wished you would have paid more attention to? What do you get out of it? What does it add to your life that you would not have had if you stayed single? And what things about being single do you miss and wish you could re-capture?
7 comments:
Wow, that was deep. and good. First off, I loved all the cartoons strategically inserted! Nicely done! For me, what marriage adds, is that companionship. It's not the same with friends. It's someone to worry about the bills with, or worry about why little Billy likes to hit, or just worry about life. It's someone to dream with. You and I talk about going to NYC and stuff, but I dream about that and more with Josh. About going to the Eiffel tower and seeing Big Ben and Mt. Rushmore... And having a house with (someday!) and growing old with. It's a relationship that just wouldn't be the same with anyone else....I dunno, does that make sense?
Ok...and I totally have to comment about the girl and "don't shut me out" thing...did you READ that?!?!? Lysol douche??? really????
Hey chica. Oh, this is very deep, and it is such a personal thing, relationships. Unfortunately (and this is just my opinion) there aren't and haven't been a lot of stellar examples of happy, functional relationships on the Webb side of the family. Yes, there are those who "stick it out", but I honestly believe the majority of our aunts and uncles and yes, dare I say it, even our grandparents, are not, and have not been happy in their marriage relationships. Again, this is my personal opinion.
I believe, and this is again my belief and my opinion, that the reason the Lord instituted the marriage relationship was for us to learn to be unselfish, and to learn how to work together to someday 'create' together in the eternities. I am not sure what your level of church belief is (I fully understand that everyone has differing testimonies, beliefs, and what not in the church depending on the circumstances of their lives)but I know that being in a marriage is the right thing to do.
However, I agree that it is the biggest decision that you make in your life. Bigger than going to college, bigger than going on a mission, bigger than going through the temple, bigger than having children. This choice impacts so many facets of your life, as you have already seen. I wouldn't go into it a second time lightly at all. Now that you have weathered a bunch of storms, you have increased in wisdom and can see further and know what to look for and what is important in a spouse.
Like April said, having that person to share a future with is so motivating. It is the easy path to do it all alone. it is also the lonely path. Even though we have our family, there is a level of intimacy (no, not sex) that is lost with your siblings as you get older. Your siblings become more involved in their own children's lives, and it is harder to include all the extended family all the time. Not that it can't happen, but it is just more difficult.
I often think of the things I miss out on by being married and having kids. But I know that sacrifice is part of this life. It is imperative for us to grow and be more like God. It sucks a whole lot of the time giving up all the things I would love to be doing, but in the end, I made the choice to be where I am today. (the hardest times are when Bret gets to travel to cool places like Dubai and I have to stay home playing mom. hehe)
Anyhow, that was a really long soap box. Don't give up on relationships. They are definitely frustrating at times, but in the end, if you are in the right relationship, they bring, at the very least, exponentially more joy than you could ever imagine.
I am so impressed with how much you have accomplished in your life, especially with the heartache and hardship that comes with divorce. I don't know how that must feel and affect your thinking, but I imagine it must be so devastating. You are a strong, amazing woman. Keep your chin up girl!
(I am sure you weren't really looking for advice from a nosy cousin, but there you have it)
Agree with both Tevia and April! You and I have MANY talks about this, but I will add my reasons too! I've mentioned before that I miss being single sometimes. Sure, who wouldn't miss the freedom to do what you please and when you please. However, although marriage can be hard at times, there is that feeling of being a team. Having somebody by your side on a bad day, during hardships, when your kids are sick or you are sick to be there to help you feel better! It's going through these times that I'm so thankful I have somebody by my side treading through them together! It's those times when our kids do something off the wall or wacky that we look at each other and think the same thing without saying anything. Just like April, it's having someone to dream with. It's so fun talking with D. about the possibilities of where we want to move when he finishes school, the kind of home we want to have, how we want to travel across country in RV! There are so many reasons! It takes work! I completely agree with Tevia! I have always believed that marriage is the best way to learn to be unselfish too! It was SOO hard for me in the beginning to learn to compromise with Derrick. Men and Women are so different, but that's how we grow is by learning to come together, which isn't always easy, but it's possible! Don't let fear hold you back girl! You've got a good head on your shoulders and will know when/if it's right! Love ya!
Good stuff guys. All I can say to you is find a guy like your brother and life will be almost perfect. And I am not just saying that to make us look good. I am in love with my life with Brian. It's not because I haven't been out in the world, like people would think. All I know is I am happy, and my husband is happy.(unless he is a good pretender)Almost 13 years and we are going strong. I believe in good relationships. I know they exist because I am in a wonderful one. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, because people are not perfect. I love you so much Heather and I am thankful that you care about your life. You have some really great people out there who love you a lot. Be patient and enjoy where you are. merika
Because being married is the BEST!
just don't find a loser, and date for a while...
and you will love it.
.... and you know it. stop being silly.
loved seeing you guys the other night!
I meant to comment on this a while ago but never did...Sorry. Here is what I think. Being married, hmmm....sometimes I think that all it adds is the combination of more worries, troubles, tears, and children. But I know it isn't true. I wish I could say it more eloquently but Marriage is one of the best aspects of my life. I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life since staying at home with the kids can get boring and I want to have a life after they're older. Well, as I got to thinking about it I bounced soem ideas off Isaac and honestly I felt like I found myself. I found a path I wanted to take and I felt so happy. I think what I'm trying to say is I feel like I have real harmony with Isaac. There is nobody else in the world that I love as much, want to be with as much, who knows me, REALLY knows me as much as him. Somehow the knowledge that somebody out there knows me and still loves me brings me a joy that I'd rather not live without.
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