Cross your fingers that I won't just keel over and die from lack of indulgence!
To give you some background, this is actually my 4th name.
(Ok I haven't been married that many times but thought this was funny cuz I've had LOTS of names!)
I was born Heather Whatcott. No middle name. I went through the first 19 years and 3 weeks of my life with that name. Then I got married for the first time. Sticking with tradition, I took my maiden name as my middle name and became Heather Whatcott Raehl. I think I understand why my parents prompted us to take our maiden names as our middle names and infuse us with familial pride… but it really doesn’t flow.
After I got divorced, I kept that name for about a year because I figured that it would make things easier with my son. But after a while, I realized it really didn’t matter and I wasn’t very fond of having to claiming that name as an element of my identity outside of my son.
I spent a lot of time deliberating my new name. I’m totally fine with my first name and don’t have any desire to be called by anything else outside of nicknames and such anyway. That is the name my parents gave me.
(Heather flower... actually kinda ugly in person.)
I was excited at the idea of a middle name though. I remember in high school collecting middle names. It was a silly but fun little game for me. But the one that has always stuck with me is Brooke. I’ve always liked the way Heather Brooke flows. So once I decided to change my name, I figured I might as well pick up a middle name and make it one I like.
As for my last name, I knew that I didn’t want to go back to my maiden name. It’s hard to pronounce (apparently) and prompts a lot of “…what?”
I thought about going through the phone book and looking at random names but there are like billions of names in the phone books (but can you even like find one of those anymore?)
So I decided to keep it in the family. I looked at all of my grandparents’ last names. We had Cluff, Webb, Arnett and Whatcott (which I had already eliminated.) Growing up, I was always a lot closer to my mom’s family, due in a large part to proximity. After my divorce, I got the opportunity to learn about and then grow close to and really become a part of my dad’s side of the family. So I was drawn to my grandma’s maiden name, Arnett. Plus it had a nice ring to it. So I went down to the court house and made it official: Heather Brooke Arnett
It’s funny because after I changed my name, especially after I moved to the Phoenix Valley, I had a lot of people ask me if I was related to one person or another. As I’ve continued to learn more about my family, I’ve discovered that I am actually related to most of the people I get asked about. I’ve grown very fond of my name and the other people around me that I have shared it with. It’s a good name and even though I was getting married, I wasn’t sure about what to do with my name. I liked the idea of being independent and different. It didn’t seem like it would present any more of a hassle than I already had to have with my son having a different last name so what was the big deal. But then again, I knew Wade wanted me to take his name and told me that he would be honored if I did, although he applied no pressure and was willing to support me either way.
I thought that after we got married and had that marriage certificate in front of us to sign that I would have to decide right then what my name would be. I remember having to sign it as what it would be when I got married the first time. So I worried and deliberated over it for a long time before the actual wedding but still hadn’t made up my mind the day of the wedding and figured it would just come to me when I was faced with that document. But the certificate said to just sign your name as it was when you applied for the marriage certificate. So I did. Then I figured I would have 30 days after the marriage to go to the Social Security office and make the change. Surely they encourage time limits on those things… but they don’t. So my need to make an immediate decision was totally gone and I just figured I could keep floating it out to some future milestone while I continued to debate it.
To support my “indecision that was in a way just a decision to not change my name…” I found out that a woman and my church had kept her maiden name and used it professionally but used her husband’s name socially. I thought about doing that and asking her about the legal and tax implications and what I needed to be aware of (never actually pinned her down.) I thought of a million reasons to not decide – including not wanting to go through the hassle of changing my name everywhere… AGAIN… even down to the fear that taking his name would mean that I was allowing my identity and independence to be swallowed up by something else, even if it is a cute man... ya I'm a feminist.
So then one night we had a bit of a communication conundrum. He was out at his job here and then planned on heading to Tucson that night right from work to get some more moving stuff done instead of staying here in town with me. His phone died while he was out at work so I went for about 6 or 7 hours without hearing from him… kinda freaking me out because usually he’s pretty good at getting back to me. (I even totally over reacted and sent a text addressed to… “whatever kind nurse is now taking care of my obviously now incapacitated husband…”) But see, here’s the thing, within the first month or two of my marriage with my ex, he just didn’t come home one night. I probably slept max of one hour that night and I played so many scenarios over in my head about where he was. Still don’t quite know what happened that night. But when he did finally come home the next day, he was upset at me that I was upset at him. I guess with Wade, even though I know very much that he’s a different person, I still expect some of the same things.
That night his phone died, I got so pissed. I was just so mad. So when he finally got to Tucson and to an outlet, he tried to get a hold of me. I was still mad and worked up enough that I didn’t want to talk but I was glad to know that he was alive and ok. And he just let me be mad. He didn’t take it out on me for being mad… didn’t have to turn it around to make himself the victim… he just accepted it and was there when I was ready to stop being such a baby.
It’s not like I was waiting to change my name to really make sure this was going to work or last… or at least not intentionally. And it’s not like I finally did it as some kind of reward or something either. It’s two fold really. It’s a gift to Wade because I knew he wanted me to take my name and that it would honor him. But it’s also a brick out of my wall that I’ve built up around me to protect myself that I’m working to pull down to heal… it’s a peace offering – maybe not even to him but more to myself – a symbol of the idea that I’m strong enough to trust someone else with everything… even my name… and trusting that loving someone else doesn’t have to mean losing myself.
41 days after getting married, it’s official… I am now Heather Brooke McRae. I think I deserve a hand.
