Date from Hell

This is April's b'day present... she wanted me to post this story:

I think one of my unspoken jobs as the token divorcee is to remind my friends and family members of how grateful they are to be married and not trying to navigate the crazy dating world.

I am a single mom and I work full time. That’s like two full time jobs right there plus all the other stuff I do. So every so often, I feel like I need to start going out again so I sign up for an online dating sight. Online, I think there’s three types of guys. 1) guys that look but never talk to you; 2) guys that email but never seem to make it past pen pal; 3) guys that ask you out. So when a guy falls into the third category, I get excited. It gets to be difficult being a pen pal to so many people and keep them all straight and not get totally bored in the meantime.

So this guy emails me and says he wants to talk so I give him my number and he calls. We talk for about 10 minutes and set up a date for Saturday – the standard dinner and a movie. Great! I’m excited.

The next day, he starts texting me. It’s a Friday. I’m at work but I have moments where I can’t use my computer because I’m running processes so I try to text him as I have a minute here or there. So in one of the texts, he says he went to be diagnosed for ADD but the top doctor just told him he’s a genius; I of course think he’s being funny. He also tells me about the house he owns in the Cayman Island and goes deep sea fishing and scuba diving all the time and promises that if I play my cards right, I could be a part of his trips. He then talked about me giving him a kiss and I did point out that if cards are to be played right, it would be him playing his cards right if he wanted a kiss.

At some point, he decides that he must see me Friday night even though we planned our date for Saturday and wants to know if I can meet up with him after 10. I tell him no (I’m thinking HELL to the No.) I had plans – girls’ night out – and wasn’t interested in breaking them to see him one day sooner. Plus, I read somewhere that you should never make yourself available like that to guys. His last text of the day is to let me know that this is going to be a casual affair and I should wear jeans. Ok, I was planning on it anyway.

Finally, it’s Saturday night and I’m in my closet looking at the clothes. I’ve realized I do not want to wear something… well, too nice. I’m already feeling a little nervous because he seems fixated on getting me to kiss him. Well, honestly, I expect that from most dates (and usually, that doesn’t bother me) but the fact that he’s being so absolutely blatant about it makes me nervous about how forward he’s going to actually be on the date. I want a guy that is respectful and this is not looking promising. I end up trying on three different shirts, afraid that each one is too sexy until I finally settle on something still probably too nice but without just wearing a t-shirt, I don’t know what else to put on.

I head out. We’ve agreed to meet up at the movie theater. I get there and kinda know who I’m looking for. I have noticed guys don’t really look like their pictures. I spot him and it looks like he’s wearing a polo from the 80’s. And his jeans are ripped. As in worn 50 times too many, not the hot acid wash jeans – and isn’t that look only for females or skinny, hot metro-sexual or gay males, which he is not.

I walk up to him and introduce myself. He stands up and starts poking me in the arm. Okay, I expect that from my dad but not from a guy I’ve just met. We go to the cashier and he gets the tickets for the movie. We go find our theater and as we are walking in, he has his Blackberry out and is showing me pictures of his four kids. They are actually quite cute!

The movie starts and he immediately starts talking about the actors, what other movies they’ve been in, what TV shows they’ve been in. He starts trying to make jokes about the TV series “The Office” and seems to get a little upset when I don’t get them, because after all, I told him that I like to watch “The Office.” At some point, he even asks me to explain part of what is going on. I shushed him once and he thought it was so cute that he asked me to do it again. Plus, the whole time, he keeps trying to play with my hand and even makes a few grabs at my legs. He asks me, “so when should we start making out.” Ok, call me an ungrateful date, but I actually want to see this movie! Shut up and keep your hands to yourself!

The movie ends and he asks me if I want to go grab something to eat. I haven’t ended too many (ok any) dates early so I’m a little unsure of what to do. So I just tell him that sure, I would like to grab dinner. He asks what I want. So I ask what’s around there and he asks what I want. I ask again what’s around there and he asks what I what. So I ask him what is available in our vicinity and he asks what I want. I’m ready to shoot myself in the foot. Finally, he just decides and we start heading to the place.

He keeps asking if I’m having fun or if I want to go home so finally, I tell him that maybe I would like to go ahead and go home. He asks me where I parked and we head that way. He asks me where my son is and I totally lie and tell him he’s with a sitter (which technically, his dad is kind of a sitter.) We talk about kids until we get to the car. He tells me, “You can kiss me if you want.” I want to get in my car and get away from his as fast as possible. I give him a quick peck on the cheek, thank him, and drive off.

I went straight to my favorite restaurant and took myself out to dinner. I deserved it after that. Now I want to see that movie again because I’m interested to know if turns out different without an ape sitting next to you trying to put his ADD moves on you all night.

So if you’re reading this and your married, here’s your reminder of why you work so hard to make it work with the one you’re with!