I wonder about my mom a lot. I always thought over time I would think of her less but I think that I think of her more, just more privately. Depending on my mood, I have long conversations with her, discussing upcoming things and events. Sometimes I go a little nutso and do the crazy dance - yelling and screaming - angry at her for leaving. (P.S. most of the yelling and screaming is still done in my head - don't want to traumatize Z sheesh!)
So at this point, 6 years after she passed (well 6 years on Saturday) what is it ok for me to do? Is it tacky for me to put something on Facebook... because honestly I still crave the sympathy that comes with loss even though I'd totally rather have my mom than the sympathy. But since she's gone I figure I might as well try to write something sappy enough that my friends will fawn over me and tell me how cool she was (if they knew her) and that it'll be ok and all that. Because death becomes about the absence of love. And what better way to fill it than with other love, right?
Cuz her absence is there and it's deep. Painfully deep. Last week my dad drove up here and I didn't even know he was here until I found out third hand that he had been here. I know he was busy but I would have gone to where he was for the opportunity to say hi. My mom never would have let that happen. It's not that at this age I want someone to take care of me. I just really, really want a mom. And ya, I can't really articulate what it is I want - it's not the food she cooked or the things she made. I'd be happy with her here without all of that. I just want a mom.
I miss the part of her that I have a claim against. That if my car has trouble, I can call her and she would make Dad come help me fix it. Or that even though I don't think I EVER called her in the middle of the night - I knew I could and she would be there. Those moments when you know you have it in you to buck up and do it cuz there's really no other choice but still you have someone there to complain to or lean on or pat you on the back. Maybe even someone that I can take advantage of a little. Not that I want to be a user but I could drop of Z for long enough to catch my breath a time or two.
On the other hand, there are other things I wonder how she would react. I wonder what she would have said when I got divorced. Would she have stood by me? Would she have seen it my way (I left him) and been there with me at court and through it all? Or would she have felt I was betraying the faith and doing the unthinkable? What would she think of my new husband? Would she have been ok with me working full time while raising my boy? What would she think of that wall April painted RED? (Haha - just had to put it in there April!)
I wonder if people really roll over in their graves and if so... has she?
In the time since her death, there has been (according to my count - and I'm not a good counter at 1o pm when I'm lying in bed chilling) 10 new grandbabies, 2 weddings, 2 divorces, and I know with my kid alone... 5 lost teeth and lots of other things.
So ya, basically... I miss her. 6 years on Saturday. And I still miss her. It's not gone or really even subsided. It doesn't stop me from living my life in anyway... but given the choice, I'd bring her back (well... as long as she's not all decomposing and gross stuff like that... you know like if we could just go back and not have her die.)
Anyway. I miss my mom. I love my mom.
5 comments:
I love this post. I feel the same at times. There have always been times when I just want to call her because I know she'll understand...not that she'll fix everything, but she will understand. I love the pictures you have up of her (even if I am picking my nose in one!) and she would have secretly LOVED my red wall, red hair and red nails!!!!
Golly, thanks for the cry, although now days lots of stuff makes me cry. But i know exactly what you mean, especially as of late in being a new mom there are tons of things i want to talk to her about, or wish that she could have come spoiled me like i know she did with you older ones, and like ape, you know that she would understand. i am right there with you too in feeling like you need the simpathy, and just really wishing you had a mom, i long to find someone that can somewhat fit a "mommy figure" in my life, and the more i cant find someone like that the more it makes me miss her even more.
Your mom was so amazing. She helped my mom out a lot and miss her. My mom sure misses her and she was so good to her. She was such an honest, sincere, kind, loveable person.
Heather it's nice to read your thoughts because sometimes we don't know what to say to you guys. We feel awful about what happened but don't want to bring up the subject at times as to be sensitive of feelings. Your mom is a great person and i can't even imagine what you guys go through on a daily basis. I love talking to my mom and just visiting to visit. So it makes perfect sense what you say. We all need a person that no matter what, will be on our side and will love us. Don't question for a minute whether your mom would have stood by you during your divorce I KNOW she would have, your not betraying your faith your making changes to better your life. Don't be so hard on yourself. You guys are all doing good things and trying your hardest everyday. I know it has got to be hard without your mom but you are doing it and she is proud of all of you. I think it's great how as siblings you have all seemed to pull together. I think about her often as well and how hard it was to say goodbye to her she truly Loved while here and continues to do so from up above.
Heather, I think you said it perfectly and it's well fitting to have your moments whenever the heck you want to and however long you want to! I loved your mom to...after all, she did help raise me, thus being a huge help to my mom as well! Anywho, I miss you not being in Tucson and everytime I pass by Blacklidge street I think of you! Love you
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