Conversations and thoughts

I met with my bishop tonight and we were having an honest open discussion about some things in my life. I have trust issues because of my past and while I feel that my ability to love others has not been incapacitated, I will admit that at times, probably much too often, I allow these trust issues to inhibit my ability to be loved.

And what a tragic state that is. I can at times see my life as if I am an outsider looking in. I see the tragedy of what I do, I recognize the harm in what I'm doing and yet I don't seem to have the ability to stop it. Or more accurately, I haven't honed and perfected my ability to stop it. I push people away that I desperately hope will come closer into my life. I know that it's a form of self preservation as I fight to avoid the pain associated with rejection or even others' imperfections.

But I know that I'm give up a lot because I have not gotten over these hold ups. I know love is risky and loving can hurt. But I have to believe, deep down, somewhere... that the dividends are worth the investment.

But anyway, back to the conversation with the bishop.... He talked about unrighteous dominion and righteous dominion. We often hear about the unrighteous version and we all know how bad it is. But he said in essence that when we choose to get married (or enter a relationship), by making that choice, we give that person dominion over us. Sometimes we attempt, even in marriage to withhold the gift of dominion... but that's when we get ourselves in trouble. So I think that righteous dominion is exercising the dominion that is gifted to us with respect.

Giving someone else dominion is allowing them to influence our decisions; it is not requiring/requesting/forcing/allowing them to make the decsision for us but to provide room in which opinions may be expressed and honesty may exist. So it seems to all come down to two points in the end. First, I gotta be willing to be hurt a little if I ever do want to tear down my wall and feel something more than lukewarm interest in someone else. Second, the respect is ultimately the key to everything. Respect for yourself and for others, for different ideas and priorities, for past experiences and future dreams.

I don't know what this means for me. I know it doesn't mean that I'll get it all figured out in the next day or week or month. But it's at least food for thought. I have a lot of things still to "fix" in my life before I consider the different parts of myself to no longer be "broken," my heart being one of them. But if anyone's passing out A's for effort, I think I at least diserve that. I know what direction I want to go... I just wish someone would've told me there's a mountain directly in my path... not that it would've really changed my course. Life is good.