Deep Breath

I need to take a deep breath. I am so overly frustrated today. I don't know if it's missing my son or possibly even missing my mom. Or maybe it's just overwhelming hormones. I am preggo after all. I don't know what it is but I am just over the top with frustration. I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now - even with all the really positive things I have to look forward to I can't see how to handle the big things going on right now. I'm sure I will cuz we all just have to deal with the realities of our lives. But I can't see the direction to go quite yet. Sigh.

Two Things

First - I discovered yesterday that the ladies in the 2nd floor of my building do not necessarily find it necessary to wash their hands after using the facilities. I'm glad I work the 1st floor and only have to use the 2nd floor facilities in case the 1st floor ones are out of order.

Second - so I actually know I did this to someone just recently so I'm kinda kicking myself and feeling totally bad... but don't you hate it when someone tells you that you look really tired today? It's like... there is no way for me to take that in a positive way. And I had a guy who was really super sick and complaining very vocally about how horrible he felt take one look at me and say - you look as bad as I feel. I was like... huh? So to the person I told you look tired... I'm super sorry - and just so you know - I got total and full payback on that one.

Happy Birthday Mom

If I weren’t so lazy, I would find a place to anonymously post this. But first off, I don’t know where to look and I don’t want to deal with setting up a new account or any of that work.

But I feel bad because I feel like this copies one of my last posts - in January, I posted about my mom on the year mark of her death. Now it’s the ½ way mark and also the month of her birthday. But see, the problem – well for me anyway – is that it’s also my birthday. In fact, my birthday is the day after my mom’s.

But the thing is, the only thing I ever remember my mom asking for was a million dollars and perfect kids. She usually got scissors. But her birthday is somewhat of a reminder to me that I always failed her on her birthday. Granted, I realize she was asking for unrealistic things that I could never deliver but that never seemed to matter – all that matter was that I failed to deliver.

So here’s my beef. My mom died with me not knowing how she really felt about me. Was she proud of me? Did she like me? I mean, as a parent – she had to love me… but did she like me? Was she proud of me? Did she feel good about the person I had become? Or am I still the person that fell short every birthday and Christmas in giving her what she really wanted?

After she died, I joined the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. As part of that, I got to go to Washington to lobby congress to try to increase funding for cancer. Of all the congress people from Arizona, the only one we met in person was Gabriel Giffords (now made famous by the attack on her earlier this year.) Giffords didn’t agree to sign the bill we had going for pancreatic cancer because she was taking a stance against ear marks, which I can respect. But she took the time to talk to us and listen and then as we were leaving, she told me that my mom would be proud of me. The thing is… I so wanted to believe. But I don’t know. Honestly, I think my mom would think going all the way to Congress would be a waste of time and effort (and thus far she would be right since it still hasn't passed.)

I have heard expressed by some of my siblings that they look forward to a heaven where they will be able to lay their heads on her lap and feel the love and comfort and childhood. But I didn’t experience that with my mom. Her time was delegated to other responsibilities and I don’t have an experience that like on which draw on.

Over the years I have turned to other people to fill that hole but I feel that unless I constantly put myself in their lives, they forget about me or decide I’m too much of a hassle anyway. I want a mom because I want someone that remembers to call me, too. I want someone that has to love me even if I’m a screw up and as much as I appreciate my husband… I want a mom. One that I know where I stand with. Why, at 2 days shy of 30 years old, more than 6 ½ years into my mom’s death, am I still dealing with this? How do I just get over it and get past it already? Do you think there’s a way, post-mortem to know?

… And if not… is there a way to stop caring so it stops hurting so much? And fill this hole in my heart?

Pornography

I am the type of person that enjoys observing others. In a social gathering, I like to sit back and watch the things going on around me rather than be the center of attention. As an extension of that, when I get the chance, I like to listen to people talk. I have a fairly long commute each day and I can’t say I really like talk radio but I’m always trying to find people talking on the radio while I drive just to have people talking. Depending on what time I leave work, I found a new favorite talk show to listen to. It is a Christian station and it is one hour where they have 3 or 4 people hosting and taking calls to give advice to listeners.

I can’t say that I always agree with what they say but I enjoy listening to it; it makes me think.

One of the things I appreciate about the group is that they have taken a stance against pornography. I have friends who are ok with the men in their lives viewing porn and I’ve read magazines where the advice was given that we as women should be ok with our men looking at porn. But having experienced some pretty negative effects of it in my personal life, I am strongly against it and do not view it as an acceptable part of my life and hold my husband to the same standard.

That being said, I was listening to this talk show a few days ago and they had a man on who was obviously struggling with an admitted full blown sexual addiction, including (but not limited to) a severe porn addiction. You could tell the guy wanted help but at the same time, he didn’t seem quite ready to give up the hold that this addiction had on him. He kept talking about how he couldn’t resist or he kept being drawn back in. He said he had attended different things to try to kick the habit and found that he would be all gung-ho for a few weeks or months and then he’d be right back where he started.

As he talked, the hosts kept throwing in different questions, things to try to change his thinking and get to the root of the issue all the while promoting their organization’s week-long workshop aimed at dealing with that specific problem. Now they always plug their workshop and I usually just try to move them along in my head… ya, ya, you’ve got a workshop, move on with the advice. But it was interesting with this guy because as he told them about the other workshops he had attended and how ineffective they had been they explained why they think their workshop was effective and it really struck me.

They said that these men gather at these workshops not just to discover or develop themselves but they go to build positive relationships with men. Not in a sexual way. But they create bonds with other males. I really had to think about that. My ex is addicted to porn. And he has no relationships with men in his life.

His dad is a super neat guy… but seems to be all weird around his son. I always felt like my ex was fighting for approval from his dad and sometimes it seemed like his dad would only talk to him if he had recently accomplished something. My ex had a brother but it seemed like he was always struggling with this brother for the attention from the mom or dad or sisters. I can only recall one childhood friend that he carried with him into adulthood but we never spent time with him and his wife as couples and he never went out with "the boys." I found out after our divorce that of our closest couple friends, the guys all hated hanging around him and one in particular would make his wife answer the door if he thought it was my ex and did his best to hide from him.

After I had my son, I was still working full time and my ex was somewhat of the stay at home parent. He attended mommy groups and that seemed to be the highlight of his week. When we split, he kept trying to call all of my sisters-in-law (the gals that married my brothers - not his sisters) instead of ever trying to reach my dad or my brothers to have a "man-to-man" talk.

Now, let me just say, this is truly not meant to be a bashing session. I have been scarred by the effects of porn and I want to understand it better. It does things to men. Or at least it did something to mine. Or maybe he was always that way and it just gets blamed on porn. But all the same, it’s this thing that is talked about in general terms but rarely really understood. So this is just an attempt at an honest analysis of the situation. I really think my ex had/has problems that set him up for these issues. But I have a 6 year old boy and I want to make sure he doesn’t go through the same thing.

Anyway, it seems clear that there is a lack of male relationships in my ex’s life. I have gotten the impression from him on more than one occasion that if he had his choice, he would be the woman in the relationship (and I felt quite strongly that he was pushing me into the man’s role.) So now – is this because he’s gay? Or is it because he doesn’t know how to be a man? If he does have sexual leanings toward homosexuality, is it because of the lack of male relationships in his life or is a part of his inherit genetic makeup? Would going to a week-long retreat where he developed real actual friendships and (non-sexual) relationships with other men impact him enough to cure him of his porn addiction?

One other thing the hosts said to this man that the porn removes intimacy from sex. When you are involved with porn, sex becomes purely sexual instead of being a form of intimacy that brings two people together. What they say their retreat is designed to do is to create intimacy (again, not sexual) between men, to begin to teach them how to experience intimacy in their lives again so that as they return to their spouses, they are able to connect and experience intimacy with their wives.

I don’t have any grand conclusions to all of this. I just thought it was an interesting line of thought. I wonder though… what, if anything, would change, if my ex just had some guy friends. Would it make a difference? Would he be a different man, father, husband, ex-husband? If anyone in the Tucson area is brave enough to try… lemme know and I’ll give you his number! :-P

The Toughest Kid I Know

I've discovered that my son is quite the athlete. He's done will in sports at school and so I started signing him up for sports through the community. This winter we did football through an NFL program so he was on the Saint's team.


What I find so interesting and cool though is that he is really, really good. I don't know where he gets it from cuz I'm so not athletic. But it was kind of funny because I was really frustrated after the first talk with the coach because I had to tell him that Z would be missing about half the games and he pretty much told me that Z would never play in any good positions because they couldn't count on him. Then he watched him play. And he changed his mind. Today, the coach told me that Z was the best player on his team.



I feel so proud of him and want to keep pushing him in healthy directions. Our next sport will be t-ball and I'm sure he'll do well at that to.

At the game on Saturday, Z had a big personal audience with friends and family and he did so well. He pulled the most flags and would have kept the other team from scoring at all but I swear one of the other kids had super glued his flag in. Z got dragged half way down the field hanging onto his flag and it never popped free. And Z scored the final touchdown for our team. He told me it was the best day of his life. I was so glad to be a part of it.

The part that really makes him tough though is that the tournament is this week. And he has to miss it. Because his dad is trying to make some point about his time vs. my time and how he refuses to support the things I do with Z. It sucks. Being a parent of a kid with divorced parents sucks. I just think it might be out of my reach to provide him with a normal life. So I'll just do my dangest to provide him with a great life.

So I was thinking... any other parents out there in the Gilbert area who either have to drop off their kids every other weekend or who want their weekends free that would be interested in joining up with me and starting a week day only league? Wouldn't that be cool!!!

Questions

So everyone always says people grieve in their own way and in their own time. I get that. But still.. are there rules about it? I mean - when someone's been gone 1 year, ouch man. 2 years... still raw... 5 years - that's a big one. But then what happens at 6 years? Is it legit for me to still be an emotional wreck and cry in yoga and cry myself to sleep every night the week before the big day? At some point, do I have to stop counting the years except the big ones (at least publicly?)


I wonder about my mom a lot. I always thought over time I would think of her less but I think that I think of her more, just more privately. Depending on my mood, I have long conversations with her, discussing upcoming things and events. Sometimes I go a little nutso and do the crazy dance - yelling and screaming - angry at her for leaving. (P.S. most of the yelling and screaming is still done in my head - don't want to traumatize Z sheesh!)

So at this point, 6 years after she passed (well 6 years on Saturday) what is it ok for me to do? Is it tacky for me to put something on Facebook... because honestly I still crave the sympathy that comes with loss even though I'd totally rather have my mom than the sympathy. But since she's gone I figure I might as well try to write something sappy enough that my friends will fawn over me and tell me how cool she was (if they knew her) and that it'll be ok and all that. Because death becomes about the absence of love. And what better way to fill it than with other love, right?


Cuz her absence is there and it's deep. Painfully deep. Last week my dad drove up here and I didn't even know he was here until I found out third hand that he had been here. I know he was busy but I would have gone to where he was for the opportunity to say hi. My mom never would have let that happen. It's not that at this age I want someone to take care of me. I just really, really want a mom. And ya, I can't really articulate what it is I want - it's not the food she cooked or the things she made. I'd be happy with her here without all of that. I just want a mom.

I miss the part of her that I have a claim against. That if my car has trouble, I can call her and she would make Dad come help me fix it. Or that even though I don't think I EVER called her in the middle of the night - I knew I could and she would be there. Those moments when you know you have it in you to buck up and do it cuz there's really no other choice but still you have someone there to complain to or lean on or pat you on the back. Maybe even someone that I can take advantage of a little. Not that I want to be a user but I could drop of Z for long enough to catch my breath a time or two.


On the other hand, there are other things I wonder how she would react. I wonder what she would have said when I got divorced. Would she have stood by me? Would she have seen it my way (I left him) and been there with me at court and through it all? Or would she have felt I was betraying the faith and doing the unthinkable? What would she think of my new husband? Would she have been ok with me working full time while raising my boy? What would she think of that wall April painted RED? (Haha - just had to put it in there April!)

I wonder if people really roll over in their graves and if so... has she?

In the time since her death, there has been (according to my count - and I'm not a good counter at 1o pm when I'm lying in bed chilling) 10 new grandbabies, 2 weddings, 2 divorces, and I know with my kid alone... 5 lost teeth and lots of other things.


So ya, basically... I miss her. 6 years on Saturday. And I still miss her. It's not gone or really even subsided. It doesn't stop me from living my life in anyway... but given the choice, I'd bring her back (well... as long as she's not all decomposing and gross stuff like that... you know like if we could just go back and not have her die.)

Anyway. I miss my mom. I love my mom.

I Lost My Foot

So I was driving the fam back from looking at Christmas lights and Z asks Wade if he can play wit his phone. So Z pulls up the light saber app and starts messing. But then Wade needs it back so he gets the phone and is getting ready to turn the light saber off but before he does, he "chops" off a few of my limbs. So then Z says that some people really don't have feet and that they lost them. I said if I lost my foot I would look all over the house for it. Wade says if he lost his foot, he would look under his pillow. At that, Z just cracked up so hard. He started saying - under the pillow, get it, that is so funny, cuz the tooth fairy finds teeth under the pillow. And then he just laughed some more.