My cousin’s baby passed away last week. He lived two precious days. My heart breaks for his parents and I wish them healing and peace.
I am now trying to explain things to my son. He knew that my cousin had a baby in her tummy and he knew the baby’s name. But he doesn’t quite understand why my cousin doesn’t have the baby with her even though he knows the baby isn’t in her tummy anymore.
I tried to tell him that the baby’s body wasn’t strong and that it was better for him to go live with Heavenly Father. He asked me if that meant that the baby was going to live with Heavenly Father and my mom and I told him yes. He told me that that meant that the baby had died. Then, on the verge of tears, he told me he didn’t want to die. I tried to find the words to explain that there at times when death is a good thing as it provides relief from the pains of this world. But he just kept insisting that he didn’t want to live in heaven; he doesn’t want to die.
I am at somewhat of a loss. I made a deal with him that we would eat healthy and exercise and wear our helmets when we ride bikes and seatbelts in the car and do everything we can to stay healthy so we won’t die. But I can’t promise him death won’t come and I won’t lie to him. I think the crux of the problem is a fear of losing his mom as he knows I lost mine. He doesn’t understand why my mom can’t visit us like his other grandma does or like we visit our family.
I’m sure the fact that I’m a single mom makes this a bit harder on him. When he’s with me, I’m all he has and the thought of losing that has to be frightening to him. I’m sure there are books out there that explain death in a four year old language. But I think what I have to address somehow is his fear of loss as I have experienced it.
I admit it freaks me out a little that my son is four and this is the third close death in his life. If this is indicative of a life-long pattern, this is an issue that I need to learn how to address now rather than later. Especially because my grandparents (all four are still alive) are getting on in years and some are suffering in health more than others.
This, I have discovered, is the price of being close to people. At one point or another, you will face loss when you have a relationship you prize. What I MUST convey to my son is that the price is worth it. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
13 years ago
8 comments:
Jonathan was pretty affected by this also, but he is 8...and not as near to the situation...my heart goes out to you and Z and the hopes that understanding will come to him. Death is a scary thing if it is not understood.
Sandi has also expressed fear of death recently, and the only thing I can tell her is that Heavenly Father takes us when He thinks it's time, not when we choose. She doesn't like that, but at least she has grasped the concept that everyone has to die. It's the unknown they fear..
Sad situation. It sounds like you're doing a great job to me. Z is lucky to have such an amazing woman like you for his mom.
That is a tough one, especially from what I've learned about children's development mentally is when they are at the younger ages like were Z is at they tipically have a hard time with abstract concepts, and I think death is probablly one of the biggest abstract concepts there are! From my classes we learned that kids need literal and very visual dsicriptions to make concepts more clear, though I am not exactly sure how you could draw out death for him to really better understand it. To me the best peace i get out of it is it's like they just went into the next room, they are still close by even though we can't see them, and they aren't really gone. And ultimately knowing the plan of salvation helps too. I don't know if that would help, but overall I think you are doing an amazing job. It has been neat to see how good of a mom you've been and I dont think Z could have a better one to help him understand this!
Hi! Your story was so sad, I was crying! I am sorry for their loss. I can't imagine if I lost one of my kids, I would have a hard time. Even though I know I would be with them again, still very hard! We have taught our girls that their grandpa lives with Heavenly Father and someday we can to if we do our part. They understand it to a point! I hope you are well!
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Aw Heather, Zach is such a super smart kid and I am sure you are doing all that you can and I think he'll understand. I have NO clue how I would explain that to Ethan, I am NOT good at that at all. Hey, thanks for your offer! I might take you up on it. I deleted the post because it was TOO open for me right now. Anyway, I'll let you know, my Dad doesn't think she'll make it past December, so we'll see! The same goes for you too though, if you need anything, even just some company I'll be here hacking my lungs out:0)! Love ya girl!
Sorry for your cousin. You are such a great mom Heather. It is hard for kids to understand but I like how you said you wont lie you'll tell him the truth. That is what has worked with my kids we just tell him how it is and with the church in their lives it helps them understand better that it just doesn't end when they die.
I posted it on my blog, but I'll tell you here too, it is on Saturday! I hope things are going well with you and lil' Zach man is good!
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