Within

What does it mean to look inside oneself? And what will one see if one chooses to embark upon that journey? Is there a road map? Is there a way back? What is within each of us? If you are brave enough to reach into the deep recess of your soul, who will you find staring back at you?

Will you see the noble, graceful princess who cherishes virtue and love unfeigned? Will you find a hero, bent at the knee, waiting for a knight’s honor? Will you witness a scholar, soaking up knowledge, dispensing wisdom, and training a new generation of thinkers?

Or will you see something else altogether; will you glimpse a reckless miscreant bent on destruction? Will you see an incapable invalid demanding succoring? Will you see in yourself the measure of your worst nightmare?

The alternatives weigh so heavily against each other: one demanding respect, honor, and appreciation, the other commanding scorn, avoidance, and loathing. But if I have learned anything in this short mortal life, it is that there is no definitive answer. Journey to meet that inner self on Monday and, if you make it back whole, return again on Tuesday to find that by then the path has changed and the sought for company altered.

So who are we? Who are you? Who am I? Who am I today? Who was I yesterday? And who will I be tomorrow? What choices will I make that will have a defining impact on who I am and will I ever learn to fine tune my actions, choices, and decisions enough that I remain the same person Monday, Tuesday, and throughout eternity?

To see a picture of me at 19 is to view a piece of “Heather,” the innocence, the hopes, the dreams, and the brilliance of youth unbridled. But to see a picture of me now at 26 is to glimpse a quantity of “H,” the quiet maturity, the simple wisdom of trials, the knowing glance of life experienced, the realization of dreams and the shattering of expectations.

Could I have known at 19 what my future was going to be like? At 26, now knowing what I have experienced over the past seven years, would I wish to know the details of the next seven years? Would I willing give up the joys to avoid the pains? Would I alter decisions to try to influence Fate? Would I increase my expectations of others and let myself off the hook? And if I did that, would it really be all that different than what I do now?

But what of this 26 year old version of me? What portion of my life am I willing to give up to Fate? Do I have any control over my life? Will my attempts to direct my future only frustrate me and annoy Fate? Should I lay my life at the feet of Fate like an ancient pagan ritual and hope that Fate is on my side and that I will find the love, peace, healing and joy that I so crave?

Who is Fate that it should determine my path? Is Fate God? Is Fate coincidence? Is God and coincidence the same thing? If Fate is God, or if Fate is not God, does Fate care about me or is Fate just weaving a pattern, undecipherable to my eyes, meaningless to my heart? Does Fate take into consideration my essence? Can Fate truly calculate, combine, account for, and acknowledge the essence of all beings with whom it weaves its pattern?

My limited, logical mind protests at the thought of an all knowing, all caring, all considering Fate that reaches to us individually to pull us gently by the strings that bind us to weave us into the beauty of the tapestry that is life. And yet the simple beauty, balance, and cadence of the thought draws me in to acceptance of it.

And thus the fight continues; the struggle for balance is sought as with the left hand I grab black and with the right hand I grab white in a desperate struggle to blend into a meaningful grey, that acceptable compromise that leaves me whole, true and honest at the same time as compassionate, understanding, and accepting.